Ibara (Thorns)
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: It was the middle of the night in NG Records. Suguru and Hiro were the only ones in the studio trying to make a new song.


**Fandom: Gravitation  
Title: Ibara. (Thorns.)  
Pairing: Hiro + Shuichi, Suguru + Hiro  
Description: It was the middle of the night in NG Records. Suguru and Hiro were the only ones in the studio trying to make a new song.**

There are no words to explain how I feel deep inside.  
You think you know me,  
But I know I've lied to you all this time.

I even try to deceive myself,  
Thinking I'm put together well,  
Falling apart within my mind.

The instigator: A picture of you and me.  
The reality: What's never going to be there.

**Ibara. (Thorns.)  
By miyamoto yui  
**  
"Okay, bye!" I closed the lid of my cell phone.

I took my break just outside of the recording studio because Ayaka-san had called. I was in the hallway, looking at the row of lights as if they were leading to death with all the silence around me. Well, what did you expect at one a.m. in the morning?

I held the phone for a moment and looked at it, wanting to just take out a cigarette with all my stress. But since I couldn't, I just placed the phone into my pocket, pushed myself off the wall, and opened the door into the studio once more.

There was Suguru before me, hard at work on arranging the song that we were both working on. He waved his hand at me and I nodded my head nonchalantly while positioning myself on the stool across him.

As I put the strap of my guitar over my head, I sat there for a moment. I closed my eyes and nodded the melody to myself, counting the beats. They matched that of my heartbeats by now.

Ayaka-san…I wondered what the hell was I doing.

I knew that I kind of liked her because she was within my view, and falling for her would be easier to live with. It would be easier to marry a girl rather than a male, especially one that was always out of reach.

And whenever I entered this realm of music, I knew that she could no longer touch me. I didn't reach for her whenever I was in music, the love of my life. Or to put it in another way, the mask I wore unable to show my true self to anyone. It didn't mean that I was insincere. It just meant that I was always on my guard, except when I played.

I began to play and feel the strings between my fingers. Fast, slow, fast, slow…

But I opened my eyes, trying to figure out how I wanted to play this piece. I didn't like closing my eyes, unlike other musicians that did so when they played their music. That darkness scared me. It was ecause when I got carried away, only one image came into my head.

My fingers played faster and faster and I could hear the words that I wanted to say, but could never sing.

Shuichi, his smile, everything...

That's what emerged whenever I closed my eyes. And it tortured me just as much as him being in front of me.

As selfish as it seemed, I wondered if he knew that he was making fun of me with all his sweetness. I was his personal toy after all, and I was only too delighted to be and do anything he wanted of me. But he was being the way he always was. And as for me, I was playing the role I was used to playing for everyone: Calm, collected, thoughtful Hiro.

Sometimes, I wanted to fuck over that responsibility.

I couldn't believe myself. How could I ask for more from everyone and everything? I was rich, well-liked, confident. I made a career from the one thing I loved more than life itself with someone I adored even more than music.

What else did I need in life?! Why did I feel so deficient inside?

I guess I was really drifting inside of myself because I didn't notice that my fingers started to bleed while I was playing. The song that Suguru made was starting to come together, but then I betrayed myself. As I closed my eyes, I could feel my pain seeping out of me. In drops, I thought it was just the part of me that was always bleeding without anyone knowing.  
But today, Suguru had to stop me. He covered my hands with his own and pressed my fingers on the guitar to make me stop. It was a soft, gentle gesture, but my closed eyes opened widely as I looked at him with a breath of air being sucked into my body.

Throughout this whole time, I had forgotten to breathe.

"Hiro," Suguru quietly said as he watched me in shock. "Where are you?"  
But his eyes told me, "I lost you, didn't I?"

At that moment, he pricked off my fingers from my guitar, which were bleeding onto his white ones.  
With that, he just took off the strand of my guitar from my body. I held my hands to my sides and went straight to the bathroom of the studio. He followed me and I stood before the mirror while washing my hands, rinsing them knowing that the pain was stinging far beyond the skin and the surface of my being.

Where had I gone?

Trying to make it seem like it wasn't a big deal, I laughed as he walked over to me. "I'm sorry. I was trying to feel for the song. I'm still stuck on what to add for it."

But Suguru didn't say anything. He just stood beside me and looked at the mirror before us, with his reflection looking back at me. His expression was like that of a statue, unfeeling and blank, but with every possible interpretation possible with the right justifications.  
Without a word, he began to wash his hands. When he was done, he took my hands and took out band-aids from his pocket. Then, he put them on my fingers. He sighed at me, and I wondered what he was thinking.

I never could read his mind.

"You say that you're all right, but I can hear you when you play," he scolded me, not looking up into my eyes at all. "You always say the words you can't say when you play, Hiro. I know this more than anyone. I do it all the time."

Then, tears began to fall into my palms. But he continued to carefully put band-aids on my fingers as if he'd break me if he didn't handle me cautiously.

"Suguru?" I asked as I felt the weight of these tears on my hands.  
But I couldn't understand what he was driving at.

When he finished, he blew his nose and said nothing else to me. Instead, he walked out of the bathroom and I stood there for a moment trying to ingest what he was trying to tell me.  
I knew I was smart. I observed everything, but why wasn't it helping now? Why was there something blocking my clear thinking right now?

When I entered the studio, Suguru took my guitar and began to play with it, despite the bits of blood that had spilled onto it. And for the first time, I was beginning to hear someone that I had never heard in my whole life.  
I worked with him all these years and yet, I still couldn't comprehend anything about him. And I couldn't understand if it was me who pushed away or if he was the one who always acted standoffish so that no one would get close to him.

Then, he closed his eyes as if he were in pain.

I couldn't describe the playing, but it was wonderful. It was complicated, loud, and noisy. Then, it became quiet and simple. It was the difference between screaming and whispering.

At that, he handed the guitar to me. "How is he supposed to make lyrics if he can't hear you play, Hiro? You're going to confuse him."

My heart collapsed inside of itself as he said that to me. I looked into those eyes and wondered about the person that I worked with all these years. Had I really made an effort to get to know who this person was? Why did he know what to say to me to get my attention but I was lost on what to even ask of him?

I blurted out, "Where did you learn to play the guitar?"

"I watched you all these years," he answered as he looked straight into my eyes. Then, he looked away with a bittersweet smile. "I've always admired you, Hiro. How calm and collected you can be with all the chaos going on in your head."  
"You're the one always in control of everything, Suguru," I said to him, confused that he would tell me a trait that most people envied him for.  
He shook his head. "Just because I show that doesn't mean that that's how I feel inside. I never thought you took things at surface value, Hiro."

I felt like he was trying to hurt me in a way. His words were definitely hitting their targets, just like a Seguchi.

I sat on the stool and began to play again. At that moment, Suguru hugged me from behind. I could feel his heartbeat through our clothes, reaching out to me. He hugged me tighter as I felt his tears on my back.  
Breathing out as if he had suddenly learned to breathe in that one moment, he asked, "Why…why don't you ever look at me? Why are you always so blind when it comes to Shuichi?"

I closed my eyes and I began to play as he held me for dear life.

I don't know, Suguru. I'm sorry…I'm so sorry.

Shuichi…he's…

He's…  
…

There's something that won't let me get away. And I bet even the spirits and oni laughed at me for it.

Within this space of silence between us, I created the part to finish our song.

And when Shuichi heard it, he made lyrics to it, but he commented, "This is very different from the last song you guys made together."

Suguru and I couldn't look at one another.

Somehow, Shuichi could sense it though…  
…because the lyrics were about two people who were like roses to one another, never being able to touch.

This was the birth of the song called, "Ibara."

And yet, what went through my mind as I played my solo was,  
"Forever, I would always play a song that Shuichi couldn't hear.  
I would walk this path for eternity.

A love with no end,  
Overflowing deep inside of me with no outlet,  
Killing me with its power.  
Piercing me relentless, unmercifully."

All the while, Suguru was always looking at me with a gentle, bitter expression, hurting on my behalf.  
**  
*/*/*/*/*/**

One night, as we were packing up after making the last modifications to the song. Suguru nodded his head, cordial as he had always been. Then, as he passed by me, I grabbed his wrist.

I sat on the stool and looked into his face. He just stared at me with a neutral expression. He was not fazed, but nor was he showing any type of affection.

I grabbed his face and put his cheek next to mine. Then, I whispered into his ear, "I want to kill it."  
Suguru patted my hair and shook his head. "No, Hiro. You can't. If it weren't for that feeling inside of you, you wouldn't have been able to make such beautiful music. And then, I wouldn't have been able to meet you.

"I didn't know how to write my own music and its feel until I met you. That's why I'll continue to play in Bad Luck. The more I felt, the pain increased, but the more wonderful music became to me. It was because of you, Hiro. And I understand that for you, this is what Shuichi is.  
"So, you can't kill the magic or the meaning of music. Overused as it is, it's love embedded into notes,  
sounds, and words. It's split into many different parts to make something that's an illusion of a parallel to emotion itself.  
"For if you never felt this love for Shuichi, where would be now, Hiro? Would you be happy with your life without him? Messed up as this may be, you wouldn't have been able to become the person you are today without him. And without this person, I wouldn't able to play and become the self I want to become."

Smiling at me quietly, he closed his eyes as he kissed my lips. Through this kiss, I could feel all that he didn't ever say to me before.

Then, he let go of me, but I still held onto his sleeve.

Without looking at him, I questioned, "How can you continue to love me after all this?"  
"Cruelty disguised in the name of 'hope'."  
He turned around to face me and held onto me again.

It was then that I began to understand this person who looked at me all these years.

I opened my eyes to look at the window before me and watched my own reflection. It was then that I began to understand the person hidden away after all this time.

But still, Suguru, as much as I see the blessing he has given me, Shuichi is also my curse.

I want to kill this love before it kills all of me. I…

I don't want to suffer anymore on its behalf.

I don't want to hurt myself by loving someone who doesn't understand how much I love them…  
…or that I can't have them.

I don't know if I love the memory that lives within me. Or the person who's changing without me, showing the part of himself that I wanted only for me. I wasn't the one changing him anymore, it was him, not me.

I just couldn't accept that. I would never accept that, as childish as it seemed.  
I'm so confused, but I don't want to save myself.

And like this…  
This was the bond we both shared, Suguru. This was my only connection to him. This was the last thread I had with him.

But also within the pain of this same realm, you and I, Suguru, we only have each other. We have found one another.

I didn't notice until then, but his fingers were bleeding from playing my guitar. I closed my eyes and kissed them.

Tasting his blood, trying to understand why we would live so destructively in the name of that debilitating condition called "love", cherished by that cruelty we described as "hope".

Shuichi's developed voice sang the last stanzas of our melody "Ibara" inside of my head as I continued to kiss Suguru's pain and remember it inside of me:

"I looked too closely  
At the beautiful flower called 'love'  
And it pricked my eyes.

Maybe I was already blind.  
Your existence proves it to be so.

But even when I die,  
This feeling will continue,  
Cursed for all of eternity,  
Just for you.

Just for you, alone."  
**  
Owari. / The End.**

**Author****'****s note: **Yes, a very short ficlet. I just needed to let some things out. I've gotten sick again. ;_; *tick* but something has been bugging me lately, so I thought about who to pick today. Hiro was the character I picked. Yes, once again, it was strange.

**April 23, 2004**


End file.
